We have major problems with him not having a backbone when it comes to his family. It also caused major problems during our wedding.
We were going to go to counseling and he would keep telling me “Yeah, to find out what’s wrong with you!” because of course I complained about what has gone on.
We had the appointment but bought a house, so we were really busy with that to happen so suddenly.
I postponed the appointment. My husband said to me, days leading up to the original appointment that he doesn’t feel like going. And at the time we were getting along well and happy with buying our first house.
Then holidays set in and we were having explosive arguments. I think a lot of people have more arguments around thanksgiving, christmas, than any other time of the year.
Once xmas was over, the reschedued date was approaching (I remember it was Jan 7th).
He told me instantly NO that he would not go!
I went by myself several times. I would tell him I was going, or that I just got back from an appointment and he would say “Oh yeah? What did they say?” I told him exactly, that they said his family is wrong and that you don’t know any better because this is what you’ve grown up with. And that you should go with me and we can sort this out.
The thing that kills me is I read on here in answers how people got their spouse into counseling with them and it fixed really BIG problems…
I just feel like I did something wrong. I feel like I should have made sure we did that initial appointment, and I feel like maybe I should not have told him what the counselor said just so he would feel more like he could go and not feel ganged up on– even though nobody would gang up on him.
I don’t know how else to put this. We NEED to go or this will not work between us. I can’t live my life with my husband allowing the things going on with how his family treats me, then any time I try to stand tall he knocks me right down.
Can’t even start a family. Can’t be happy. I am unhappy every single day.
Why won’t he go? Like other than I can’t make him go, yes I know I can’t make him go.
But why won’t he go? He does not give me any other reason. It is like he does not want to do what I tell him to do. I am not telling him, I am strongly suggesting he go. Or else we won’t work out. Do I really need to file for divorce? I already have seen a lawyer to know my rights because obviously I really mean it when I say this won’t work like this and that something’s got to give.
How can I get him into going? Anything I can do? Did I screw it up at all?
Why Won’t My Husband Go To Marriage Counseling?
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He won’t go now. You’ve made it sound like the therapist is going to lynch him and make everything his fault. Good job! So far, all the therapist has heard is your side…
I don’t know what the BIG problem is but I recommend you try to see if he’d be open to seeing another therapist…
Cuz he’s a jerk.
If you have no kids, you might want to consider this a deal breaker.
You can’t expect a man to grow a backbone when you’re bullying him into going to therapy.
You clearly don’t understand how men think or how to motivate them. Here is what you do:
1. Stop all of this for the next month. Let the air clear. During this time, be nice, be sweet, and be supportive. If a family issue comes up, embrace his decisions totally. De-escalate.
2. Ask him (nicely) if he would do a favor for you. Tell him you’re still concerned about the marriage, but that you want to go about it in a completely new direction. Ask him to find the therapist, the program, etc. Tell him you trust him completely, and that you know he’ll help you put your fears to rest. Frame everything as a concern YOU have about the MARRIAGE (not HIS family). Empower!
3. Be patient…it’s going to take time, because he’ll still sense a trap. But letting him pick the therapist and the date gives him some measure of control. Men don’t walk into situations where they have not control (brings out the fight or flight in us). Depending on what the therapist says (and he’ll probably say you’re right about his family), your job is to continue strengthening, emboldening, and empowering your man. If you don’t trust him, you don’t respect him. And if you don’t respect him, you don’t love him. Trust!
Good Luck!
He won’t go because he doesn’t want to; doesn’t see the point; doesn’t believe there’s a problem.
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Based on your narrative, I’m sure that he wants to go even less because he probably feels that there’s little point in going; you and the therapist have already figured everything out without him.
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Your husband isn’t going to change anyway… Not unless he really wants to… and that doesn’t appear very likely. The other option is for YOU to change. That being said, it appears to me that you have two options: First, (and this is my personal recommendation) accept your husband the way he is. Second, look into yourself… and decide why it is that you can’t accept him as he is… and if you can’t… put the relationship behind you and get on with life.
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Let him pick the counselor he wants to go to instead of some cranky , man hating bytch you picked out
He doesn’t want go because he doesn’t feel he has a problem. Problems you have while dating will not get better once you get married.
Edit: Are you sure you don’t need counselling on your own. Try seeing a one on doctor to talk about your issue with your husband and you can change your reactions.